REVIEW: CHRISTINA (1985)

In between HOLLYWOOD HOT TUBS and RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD, author and B-movie starlet Jewel Shepard went to Spain and made this film. Most well-known for featuring a fully nude or topless Shepard throughout its running time, CHRISTINA was written by the ultra-prolific cult figure Harry Alan Towers with the original intention of being an ongoing series. Shepard plays the title role, a rich nymphomaniac exhibitionist who appears to be allergic to clothing, spending as much time as possible in her birthday suit with her male friends. If you've ever read Jewel's book IF I'M SO FAMOUS you either wanted to see CHRISTINA really bad or you hoped to never lay eyes on it.

I was expecting this to be kinda soft-focus and boring, but when the movie picks up things are surprisingly bizarre. Christina gets kidnapped by lesbian terrorists (!!!) and is given away as a prize to the winner of a karate match (!!!), only to become an object of jealousy and passed around among the sapphic soldiers. The womens' outfits look like rejects from the Solid Gold dancers and come apart real easy during combat. Weirdest of all are the lesbian sex scenes, though. Get this - when things start to get hot n' heavy, the scene switches to Jewel lying on a white sheet in a smoke-filled tent while black-gloved hands run toy cars across her naked body as she writhes in ecstasy! TOY CARS. This happens twice, and the second time the hands use a toy truck and army tank to give her jollies.

The most unfortunate thing about this film is the shoddy DVD transfer, which is full screen and dark and muddy most of the time. Several poorly-lit outdoor scenes are rendered devoid of much detail, ruining otherwise "money" shots of Miss Shepard. Since its only selling point is the amount of skin displayed by its star, CHRISTINA kind of shoots itself in the foot by presenting most of these scenes far too darkly to see much of anything. However, it is worth watching for reasons beyond the frequent nudity as the bad dubbing and hilarious lesbian tomfoolery make it a memorable cult film obscurity. See it to say you saw it, that's what I did.